Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You Read online

  PRAISE FOR BRADLEY SANDS

  “Nothing I could dream up compares to the strangeness and wildness of Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy. You should read this book.”

  —Shane Jones, author of Light Boxes

  “Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy is like an Adult Swim show written by Russell Edson.”

  —Carlton Mellick III, author of The Cannibals of Candyland

  “There’s a place past all reason, most possibility, and all the jokes I can think of. A place shaped kind of like the human heart. Bradley Sands doesn’t write about this place, but he writes from it, pushing farther into the unguessable with each word, each scene.”

  —Stephen Graham Jones, author of Demon Theory

  “There is a disorienting alchemy at work in Sands’ fiction.”

  —Rayo Casablanca, author of 6 Sick Hipsters

  “Sands is a talented, fearsome, comic visionary who will usher you into the psychedelic matrix of futurity.”

  —D. Harlan Wilson, author of Dr. Identity

  “Reading the work of Bradley Sands caused me to vomit happiness from my eyeballs. Highly recommended.”

  —Kevin L. Donihe, author of House of Houses

  RICO SLADE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU

  Bradley Sands

  Lazy Fascist Press

  Portland, OR

  LAZY FASCIST PRESS

  830 SW 18TH AVENUE

  PORTLAND, OR 97205

  WWW.LAZYFASCIST.COM

  ISBN: 1-936383-47-0

  Copyright © 2011 by Bradley Sands

  www.bradleysands.com

  Cover art by Mark Rain

  Licensed under Creative Commons

  www.azrainman.com

  An excerpt from this book appeared in Robot Melon in a different form.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written consent of the publisher, except where permitted by law.

  1 - Rico Slade XXII: Mile High Annihilation

  Rico Slade doesn’t want to see pictures of your dead relatives. Rico Slade doesn’t care about the political climate or who won last night’s game. Rico Slade just wants to sip on a drink with a tiny umbrella and enjoy his flight. Rico Slade has racked up a lot of frequent flyer miles. Rico Slade has a lot of time to kill. Rico Slade doesn’t have anywhere to be except in the sky. Rico Slade’s favorite food is the honey roasted peanut.

  “My Albert could wipe the smile off a lucky lotto jackpot winner from a thousand miles away, God rest his soul,” says the old lady sitting next to him. Her name is Esmeralda.

  “Guy sounds like a scumdog to me,” Rico Slade says, using one of his catchphrases. Rico Slade wants to rip out the throat of the airline employee who sold this old lady her plane ticket.

  Rico Slade can rip out a throat with his bare hands. Rico Slade enjoys ripping out throats with his bare hands. Rico Slade wears a leopard skin jacket and never takes off his sunglasses. Rico Slade does this so the police know he’s the good guy and don’t shoot bullets into him after he saves the day. Rico Slade also maintains a giant pompadour. Rico Slade does this so the police can identify him as a practitioner of badassery.

  A man is walking towards the cockpit. His name is Kent. No one on the plane knows this. Kent likes it that way. He is carrying a large swordfish. The swordfish is dead. It has been dead a long time. Kent stole it off a rich man’s wall. To smuggle it on the plane, he bribed a baggage handler with money he stole out of the rich man’s safe. He also stole a Picasso. The rich man’s wall is not happy about meeting Kent.

  Kent is the embodiment of evil. His Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts are a dead giveaway. He has never been on a tropical vacation.

  “People just don’t understand the IRS these days,” says Esmeralda. “If money is the lubricant of the economic engine, they’re its—”

  “Did you see that?” interrupts Rico Slade. He is referring to the man with the swordfish. Seeing the swordfish man has caused Rico Slade to spill his drink. There is a wet spot on his lap. The mini umbrella has disappointed him. Rico Slade crushes it.

  “See what?” Esmeralda says.

  Kent barges into the cockpit. The cockpit door slams shut behind him. He says, “Alright! This is a hijacking!” The door is made of insulated steel. Rico Slade has very good hearing. Rico Slade remains cool and collected. The other passengers also remain cool and collected. They have normal hearing. Esmeralda has poor hearing. She can only hear someone when they shout in her ear.

  In the cockpit, the pilot asks: “Sir, how did you get that swordfish on the plane?”

  “Never mind that!” says Kent. “Take me to Tokyo Disney or the stewardess gets it!”

  There is no stewardess in the cockpit. The pilot is still afraid. Kent’s dialogue is awful, but Kent’s swordfish is large.

  In the cabin, Esmeralda’s throat says, “AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!” as Rico Slade rips it out. Rico Slade couldn’t help himself. Sometimes the good guy rips out innocent people’s throats. That’s just something the world needs to live with if it wants the good guy to keep saving the day. Rico Slade comforts her, cuddles her, gives her a peck on the cheek. She feels a little better about missing a throat. Rico Slade is very attractive.

  “Don’t worry,” Rico Slade tells Esmeralda’s throat. “This sort of thing seems to happen to me at least twice a week.”

  “But we haven’t the fuel,” says the captain to Kent. “This was only supposed to be a three hour flight!”

  “I don’t care if you don’t have enough fuel!” Kent shouts. “Make it happen!” Kent likes to shout. He likes to give people headaches. He likes to sell bottles of aspirin at inflated prices.

  “But—”

  “No buts!” says Kent. “You can direct any complaints to my compadre with the missile who is currently occupying the bathroom.”

  “Please excuse me,” Rico Slade says to Esmeralda’s throat. His hearing is really quite good.

  Rico Slade walks to the bathroom door, knocks.

  The door opens. A man says, “What do you want?” His name is Leonard. He is Kent’s compadre. He is wearing a bad wig and a jacket made of dynamite. Only cruel people wear bad wigs and jackets made of dynamite.

  Rico Slade karate kicks Leonard in the face. His wig falls off. He is bald.

  Leonard leans against the bathroom wall. He looks dazed, panicked. A large missile is lying on the floor next to the toilet. The missile is made of plastic. It is now wearing Leonard’s wig.

  Leonard lights a match. He holds it next to his jacket made of dynamite. “You crazy?!” he asks.

  Rico Slade does not answer. Rico Slade doesn’t have a good catchphrase to respond with.

  Rico Slade picks up the large missile and speed-walks away from the bathroom. Fireworks go off inside it. Passengers stare at the large missile. They are distressed but mildly aroused. The missile is still wearing Leonard’s wig.

  Rico Slade defies gravity. Rico Slade attaches himself to the ceiling above the cockpit door, and knocks.

  Kent pokes his head out and says, “What the hell is going on out here?” Rico Slade drops the giant missile on Kent’s head.

  Kent looks up at the missile. He says “Oh shi-” The missile hits him before he gets to make the “t” sound at the end. The Motion Picture Association of America wipes the sweat off its brow and sings the PG-13 song.

  Rico Slade says, “It may be plastic, but it still makes a deadly weapon.”

  Kent rubs his head and says, “It’s goddamn un-American for you to oppose me. I’m just doing my part to strike back against Japanese i
mperialism.” He jabs at Rico Slade with his swordfish.

  Rico Slade dodges it with a flip and lands in the aisle.

  Kent says, “I got a job waiting for me at Tokyo Disney playing Mickey.”

  Kent swings at Rico Slade with the swordfish again. It gets stuck in the wall. He tries to get it unstuck. This takes a while, so he talks some more: “I plan on taking off my mask in the presence of as many Japanese children as possible.”

  Kent gives up on the swordfish. Rico Slade does not expect this. Kent takes advantage of Rico Slade’s surprise by punching him in the nose. Kent says, “I’ll traumatize the youth of today so they won’t excel in anything but food service tomorrow.”

  Leonard yells, “You bastard!”

  Rico Slade and Kent stare at Leonard. “Eh?” they say in unison.

  Leonard has been badly burnt. He is smoldering. He is also smoking a Virginia Slim cigarette. This is against the rules of the airline. Leonard is turning the lever on the plane’s emergency hatch. He is taking his time. He has something to say: “You didn’t know I was only wearing firecrackers, did you?”

  Rico Slade did know. Rico Slade thinks Leonard might be mildly retarded.

  Leonard opens the hatch. He is sucked out of the plane. He falls through the air. He smiles, says, “Now everyone dies!” He frowns. “Next time I’ll remember to pay attention to the pre-flight safety demonstration.” He falls to his death.

  Honey roasted peanut wrappers fly around the plane. The passengers are terrified. They would be even more terrified if they weren’t wearing seatbelts.

  Rico Slade and Kent are clinging to the walls to avoid being sucked out of the plane. They wrestle. They do not know how to wrestle while clinging to the walls. They are sucked towards the hatch. They are sucked out of the plane.

  Rico Slade grabs the wing. Kent grabs Rico Slade’s foot. Rico Slade’s grip is loosening. Rico Slade shakes his foot. Rico Slade does not like to have his foot grabbed.

  Kent does a flip. He lands on the wing, and stands on it. This impresses Rico Slade. “Impressive,” Rico Slade says.

  Kent kicks Rico Slade in the face. Rico Slade does not like to be kicked in the face. Rico Slade makes a grumpy face on top of his kicked-looking face.

  Rico Slade is losing his grip on the wing. Rico Slade does a flip and grabs hold of Kent’s tighty whities. They are not clean. Rico Slade is disgusted.

  Kent loses his balance. Rico Slade loses his leopard skin jacket. “Damn,” Rico Slade says, “I loved that jacket!” There is a parachute underneath his jacket. It opens. Rico Slade and Kent parachute down while Rico Slade gives Kent a sky wedgie.

  They land safely at Disney World in Orlando, Florida.

  Rico Slade stands, triumphant. Kent is lying on top of a sweaty staff member in a Disney character costume. The staff member has broken many bones.

  “Waaaaaah! The bad man killed Goofy!” says an adorable crying toddler.

  The plane crashes into Cinderella’s Castle.

  “Look what you’ve done to the happiest place on Earth!” says a widow in a FLORIDA IS FOR LOVERS t-shirt.

  Rico Slade rips out her throat with his bare hands.

  2 - Jared Bruckheiny Is Unsatisfied

  “Cut!” Jared Bruckheiny says. He throws his clipboard at Bob the gaffer’s head. “What the fuck, Chip? There’s nothing in the script about ripping her throat out! You’re supposed to say, ‘I did it for the love, baby,’ and kiss her passionately with your tongue. What the fuck is wrong with you? Can you get this right or do I have to use your body double again?”

  Chip Johnson is totally freaking out. Wishes he could remain calm and collected like his fictional alter ego, but they have nothing in common besides rock hard abs and chiseled features. Doesn’t enjoy tearing people’s throats out, but prefers it to French kissing senior citizens. It brings back memories from his “dark” period—when he worked as a male prostitute previous to his career as a Hollywood icon.

  “Chip! Are you listening to me?”

  “Yes, I am, Mr. Bruckheiny.”

  “Should I call in what’s his name? The body double?”

  “No need for what’s his name, sir. I have this covered.”

  “Good man. Screw this up and you’ll never work in this town again.” Jared Bruckheiny notices the special effects technician reapplying a new fake throat to the senior citizen.

  He has a shit fit.

  The special effects technician should not be reapplying a new fake throat. He should be cleaning off the old one. There is nothing in the script about Rico Slade ripping the woman’s throat out.

  Jared Bruckheiny interrupts the application of the throat by attacking the special effects technician with the large swordfish.

  3 - Rico Slade XXII: Mile High Annihilation—Scene 32, Take 47

  Rico Slade stands, looking triumphant. Kent is lying on top of the sweaty staff member in the Goofy costume. The man has broken many bones.

  “Waaaaaah! The bad man killed Goofy!” says an adorable crying toddler.

  The plane crashes into Cinderella’s Castle.

  “Look what you’ve done to the happiest place on Earth!” says a widow in a Florida is for Lovers t-shirt.

  Rico Slade says, “I did it for the cash, you old hag,” and karate chops her in the pussy.

  4 - Jared Bruckheiny Has an Even Bigger Shit Fit

  What the fuck, Chip? What the fuck? What the fuck’s your problem? Chopped her in the cunt? Would you chop your own grandmother in the cunt? Give me her address. Give me her address so I can go over there after I’m done headbutting this…this adorable crying toddler (there, there, I didn’t mean it) so I can chop her in the cunt. How the fuck did you ever get a job as the number one action star in America? I mean…how the fuck? I want you off my goddamn set. Now. And take your hair piece with you.

  5 - Chip Johnson Has Had Enough

  Chip Johnson is afraid to look the senior citizen in the eye. Feels ashamed. Sometimes he gets urges. Sometimes a man can’t resist the urge to take out his dick at the grocery store or tell a cop he’s got a fat ass or try to karate chop an aged vagina in half. This is why The Studio keeps a legal team on staff. This is why The Studio employs the services of an escort service and keeps a rolodex with the turn-ons and turn-offs of every judge in the city. Who the fuck is Jared Bruckheiny to tell him what to do? Chip Johnson is Hollywood. Rico Slade is Chip Johnson. He’s made more money for the Studio than God.

  He rips off his pompadour hair piece and throws it on the floor. His bald head glistens under the studio lights. The patches of hair scattered haphazardly over his scalp are uncombed, sloppy. He walks towards the exit, realizes he’s doing exactly what Jared Bruckheiny told him to do.

  No one tells Chip Johnson what to do.

  Considers turning around. Jared Bruckheiny calls after him: “Chip! Baby! Come back! I was just kidding! Don’t you know you’re my star? Get over here, big guy. I can’t make movie magic without you.”

  Chip does as he is told, then beats the director with a miniature replica of Cinderella’s Castle.

  Chip Johnson exits the premises.

  6 - Harold Schwartzman Worries About His Financial Security

  “And how does that make you feel, Mr. Goldthwait?”

  The psychologist listens intently into his cell phone, knowing Bobcat Goldthwait’s response has the potential to make his career go up in nuclear flames. “Yes…yes…I understand. Well, thank you f-”

  Bobcat Goldthwait breaks the connection. Harold Schwartzman puts on a fake smile to hide the tears and comforts himself by rubbing his freshly-shaved cheeks. Nearly all of his patients have left him, but he still has Chip Johnson, and Mr. Johnson’s various psychological maladies have the potential to keep his wife in bling for the rest of her life, assuming the action star never abandons him like the rest.

  When Harold walks onto the set, Disney World has been subjected to even more destruction, and Jared Bruckheiny is attacking The Haunted Mansion with a chai
nsaw. His face is one big bruise. His mouth is opened wide, as if he is screaming, but no sounds come out.

  Harold taps him on the shoulder, and immediately regrets it, wondering why his Master’s program never trained him to avoid the attention of chainsaw-wielding sociopaths. The director turns to the psychologist, his mouth still frozen in a silent scream. Now committed to either a pleasant chat or the tearing of his flesh and the spilling of his internal organs, Harold says, “Hi, Jared. Nice chainsaw. Seen Chip around?”

  Jared Bruckheiny revs his chainsaw, holds it over Harold’s head, and clenches his teeth.

  7 - Chip Johnson Visits the Point of No Return

  “Hi, this is George.”

  “_______________”

  “Is anybody there?”

  “_______________”

  “I can hear you breathing. Chip? Is that you?”

  Yes, it is Chip, but he does not respond. Instead, he hurls his cell phone out of his immaculately clean Ferrari Testarossa. Didn’t intend to throw the phone out of his luxurious sports car, but sometimes a man can’t resist his urges.

  The phone lands in a bush someone has trimmed into the shape of a fist and a raised middle finger. Chip speeds away, glad it did not hit another driver in the head, causing death and destruction to rain down upon Hollywood Boulevard. Often wants to be Hollywood Boulevard’s Angel of Death, but this is not one of those times. Often wants the relief that would accompany an act of mass murder, but he always suppresses this desire. He likes when his manly urges result in destruction to his personal items rather than mass destruction. This is also The Studio’s preference.