Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You Read online

  43 - Harold Schwartzman Loves His Wife, but He Doesn’t LOVE His Wife

  Wow, Harold Schwartzman never knew how great gangbangs could be. He never thought he could enjoy making love to his wife while strange men penetrated her every orifice. This is his new favorite thing.

  But as he drives his wife’s Mercedes to George’s apartment, he feels regret. He regrets that his wife is not in the Mercedes—she only lent it to him. He regrets that she wanted to stay behind and have sexual relations with the African American golfer. He regrets that he did not use a prophylactic when he fucked his wife’s brains out. He regrets that she is such a terrible person.

  His wife is a terrible person. He is terrible at his job. His patients often go on killing sprees. He was not born with a glandular dysfunction that prevents his body from sprouting hair. He cannot afford to buy a tuna fish sandwich.

  His life is terrible.

  And he has no one to blame but himself.

  But wait…Chip Johnson. Yes, Chip Johnson. If it were not for Chip Johnson, his wife would be a wonderful human being, he would be the top man in his field, his patients would be disturbed by the idea of a killing spree, he would never have to shave a single filthy hair, he would eat gourmet tuna fish sandwiches every day for lunch.

  Chip Johnson is the bane of Harold Schwartzman’s existence.

  His face turns red. His cheeks quiver.

  He imagines slicing out Chip’s larynx with his Bic razor.

  He laughs like an Central European terrorist with an offensive mustache.

  44 - Rico Slade Does Not Understand Why He Cannot Stop Cleaning Baron Mayhem’s Secret Fortress

  What the crap?

  45 - Harold Schwartzman Makes Chip Johnson Feel Uncomfortable

  Harold Schwartzman goes inside George’s apartment. Based on its condition, he believes the dishevelment is a physical representation for George’s emotional pain.

  Then he sees Chip: bruised, bleeding, in an apron, cleaning the living room.

  Chip puts his hands in front of his chest as if trying to hide his nakedness. “Crap! Joe Pesci? Whatcha doing in the secret fortress? Didn’t I beat your ass?” Embarrassment invades his face. “I was just…cleaning…cleaning up the blood of my enemies. A dude’s gotta be courteous and shit, you know?” He drops his feather duster. “Gotta go!”

  He jumps through a glass window, does a series of flips onto the street below, lands on his feet, and sprints away.

  Harold leaves the apartment in pursuit, bewildered by his ability to intimidate.

  46 - Rico Slade XXXV: Astronomical Inferno

  Baron Mayhem’s tractor beam forces Rico Slade to sprint to the planetarium, where a laser light show is taking place. As the action hero enters the auditorium, the shapes of luminous skulls flutter across his eyelids and the sounds of Genocide Jamboree rock his face off.

  Baron Mayhem sits in the front row, looking like Adolf Hitler, but with a purple polka dotted mohawk instead of the mustache. He also wears a black liquid latex body suit, which isn’t a good look for him because Rico Slade doesn’t swing that way.

  Rico Slade gets into a fighting stance. “I’m gonna pulverize you, Mayhem.” He gets pumped up by kicking an innocent bystander in the face and moves to the front row with an intricate gymnastics routine.

  Then, in one dramatic motion, Baron Mayhem stands to face Rico Slade.

  And kisses him passionately on the mouth.

  The song switches to Genocide Jamboree’s popular ballad, “Corpulent Felching Destiny.” The laser projector fires beams of light at the domed ceiling, projecting the shape of an obese man licking an asshole.

  The audience cheers.

  Rico Slade makes a fist as his antagonist wiggles his tongue, but something stops him from attacking.

  A tsunami of pleasure stops him from attacking.

  What the crap is happening?

  Is this a new evil scheme? Baron Mayhem always has a new evil scheme.

  Rico Slade kisses him back (what the crap?). He tries to stop this, to punch him in the fucking face a bunch of fucking times, but the pleasure holds him back.

  He wants to beat him to death with his rock hard cock, but he feels too romantic to beat him to death with his rock hard cock.

  Baron Mayhem breaks their embrace for the purpose of maniacal laughter. “You’ve fallen for my new evil scheme, Slade! I knew you’d be drawn to the place where we had our first date.” Then he gets back to the kissing.

  Rico Slade wishes someone would detonate a bomb inside his brain.

  Someone taps him on the shoulder. “OK OK OK OK, so I saw two guys kissing and I says to myself, ‘That can’t be Rico Slade and Baron Mayhem.’”

  Rico Slade turns around.

  “Holy bing bang boom! It is Rico Slade and Baron Mayhem!”

  The ballad ends and “Armpit Entrails and Secretion” begins.

  Rico Slade tries to hide by crawling into a ball. Why does Joe Pesci keep catching him in situations where he’s being a total fag?

  Baron Mayhem wraps his body around Rico Slade.

  Joe Pesci bends down and slaps the action hero across the face.

  But Rico Slade feels no pain, because Rico Slade is a bad ass dude while Joe Pesci is a freakin’ wimp.

  So Rico Slade gives him a bloody nose.

  Joe Pesci squeezes his nose, tilts his head back, and speaks in a nasally voice: “You’re pathetic. Suffering from a psychological disorder brought upon by your inability to cope with shit getting stressful. That and watching your parents get murdered by a guy in a bumblebee costume.”

  Rico Slade flinches as if he’s been punched really hard in the face.

  “Oh, and the guilt from blowjobs you gave on every casting couch in the city before you made it as a star.”

  He cries like a little girl.

  “And the constant anguish from lying about your sexuality. It hurts when you can’t leave your mansion without putting on a metaphorical mask to hide your true self, huh?”

  Rico Slade falls on the floor and bleeds out of his ears.

  The planetarium explodes.

  47 - Chip Johnson is Disoriented

  The planetarium stops exploding.

  Rico Slade stops being Rico Slade. Chip Johnson starts being Chip Johnson. Blood stops pouring out of his ears, but he remains on the floor with small fragments of glass embedded in his body.

  Where is he?

  And what is George doing here? He hasn’t seen him since their breakup.

  Overwhelming sadness.

  48 - Rico Slade XXXVI: The Final Conflict

  The planetarium explodes.

  All that remains are the charred remnants of the audience, along with Joe Pesci and Baron Mayhem—who are unharmed—and Rico Slade, who has stopped being Chip Johnson and started being himself again. He has not been affected by the explosion, but his ears have gone back to leaking blood.

  Joe Pesci opens his mouth to spew more harsh realities.

  Baron Mayhem rushes him and jumps on his shoulders. “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!”

  Joe Pesci tries to shake him off, but the baron won’t budge. So he whacks him against the projector—causing the shape of a woman masturbating with a piece of shit to wobble—until Baron Mayhem loses his grip and falls on the floor.

  Taking advantage of the diversion, Rico Slade rises with supernatural grace. He flexes his muscles, says, “Let’s rock,” in a deep voice that is overflowing with testosterone, then he gets lightheaded.

  49 - Chip Johnson Needs to Find a Better Shrink

  “Oh, hi, Mr. Schwartzman!” Chip says.

  “I’m sorry, Chip,” Harold says, wrapping his hands around his patient’s neck and squeezing, “but our hour is up.”

  Confused and betrayed, Chip struggles for breath. In between gasps, he says, “No, Mr. Schwartzman. Yours is the hour that is up.” And he twists his psychologist’s nipple, twists it until Harold collapses from the agony.

  Then, using the strength of Ri
co Slade, Chip ends the laser light show by bringing the projector crashing down on his psychologist’s fucking face.

  50 - Chip Johnson and George Proctor Find True Happiness

  Chip and George hug and kiss and rub their loins together. Ignoring the pain surging through his body, Chip says, “It’s all about the love, baby,” and looks his ex-lover up and down, taking in his delicious body. Feels an overwhelming urge to repair their relationship so they can spend the rest of their days in bliss. Excited to begin their new lives together, Chip takes George by the hand and leads him through the planetarium’s doors.

  Paparazzi and men in giraffe masks wait in the street. Tabloid reporter Wendell Grimes says, “Excuse me, are you Chip Johnson, star of the Rico Slade series?”

  Chip says, “Guilty as charged.”

  Wendell snaps a photo with his Polaroid camera and shoves an antique microphone into Chip’s face. “Care to make a comment on today’s events?”

  “Yes, I do,” he says, holding George closely to him. “Hello, world. I would like to introduce you to the real Chip Johnson. I am balding, wear frumpy clothes, and enjoy having sex with men. I’m nothing like my fictional counterpart. Don’t even like the guy. And you know what? It feels good to be myself. It feels damned good. And—”

  The officers of the Hollywood Police Department remove their giraffe masks and open fire. The bullets penetrate Chip’s body. The officers shoot their guns for an extremely long time, as if they have a grudge against Chip for some reason.

  As the actor goes into convulsions, he stares lovingly into George’s eyes.

  The officers stop firing and Chip falls onto the sidewalk.

  George kneels and clutches him tenderly.

  Chip says, “These are my famous last words,” and dies.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Bradley Sands lives in Boulder, CO, where he edits Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens. He is the author of Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy (Lazy Fascist Press), My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! (Raw Dog Screaming Press), It Came From Below the Belt (Afterbirth Books), and Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face (forthcoming).

  Visit him online at www.bradleysands.com, and Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens at www.absurdistjournal.net.